Turning 36Cs into 44 Longs

I’m not exactly sure what to blame the latest bout of chest pain on.  Seems to me it just comes & goes but at my neighbor’s constant nagging, I went in for the big “M”. Yes, mammogram.

You’ve all gotten the e-mails preparing you for the moment: If you’d like to rehearse for the big event, there are several ways to do this. Open up your freezer door and place your breast firmly against the cold edge. Promptly slam the door on your breast, switch sides, repeat. Or : Wait until mid-winter and lie on the cold cement floor of your garage. (If garage is heated, be sure to turn heat off one hour prior to session.) Scoot up as close as you can to the rear tire and have your husband slowly back over your breast. Switch sides, repeat.

So, I had a normal exam first. Of course there was some fancy name for the pain. It’s cartilidge related, not chest.  He said, “For what you are here for today, this really wouldn’t warrant a mamogram.”

“My neighbor would kick your ass and she could take you.”

“I’ll see if they can get you in today.”

Now I’m in the cheery little room with the very sweet nurse, gowned up with the opening facing front.

“You didn’t have one before but I’ll explain the new way to you. It’s digital now so we don’t have to put stickers on your nipples anymore.”

“Darn it. I really wanted Hello Kitty.”

She proceeded to tell me how it worked & showed me the ‘torture chamber’. “And if it’s not tight enough, I had crank it here.”

Lovely.

Pull. Twist. Prod. Stretch. Pull some more. “Okay, hold your breath. Don’t breathe.”

“Not a chance. I’m pretty sure you have my lung cranked up in this thing.”

“Hmmm,” she says after she takes the picture.

“What?”

“There’s a wrinkle. We’ll have to do it again.” She leaves to go get the tractor and attaches the chains and takes off to Iowa with my left boob. “There. That’s better. Now the other side.” We get though that one on the 1st try. w00t! But wait… there’s more. “Now we get to do them sideways!”

Oh Goody!

When it’s all said and done, I go behind the curtain to get dressed and roll them back up. She lets me look at the pictures.

“Hmmm,” I say.

“What?”

“I told them the left one was bigger.”(Even before the trip to Iowa)

She proceeds to explain the picture to me and then becomes my new best friend. She called me young on a few occasions and then skinny. 😀

This post is for you Janell of ACMC. Thanks for warming up your hands first.

***Just had to add… I now have one of my favorite Rodney Carrington songs “Show them to Me” stuck in my head. Particularly the line, “Don’t be sad your boobs ain’t bad they’re just a little long….” 😉

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8 thoughts on “Turning 36Cs into 44 Longs

  1. Looks like I have a lot to look forward to in life! I should probably start preparing myself now. I think I’ll try the freezer exercise tonight.

  2. *dies*

    This. Is. Hilarious. Not so much for you, but thank you for sharing in such an informative manner. 🙂

    My favorite line: I go behind the curtain to get dressed and roll them back up.

  3. To make things worse – a heath ad on the radio yesterday said that “50 is the new 40” and you can wait to get them done. *grumbles*

  4. I’ve had a mammogram done…twice. I feel your pain. No really. I felt it all over again just reading this. Thanks for that. I can skip my annual appointment now. 🙂

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